I've found that there
are significant long-term benefits for couples who take the time to
engage in these necessary conversations before they get married, rather than
waiting (like MANY do) until they are married.
Here, I break down the
eight conversations you've got to have with your partner if you're thinking
about getting hitched.
1. Money
Talking about money can
be a step towards preventing financial infidelity. The things you should
be discussing include: How do you view money? Are you a spender or a saver? If
you have disposable income, how do you spend it? Do you think you should have
separate or joint accounts or both? Does one of you make more money than the
other? If so, how will you share the expenses? What about big purchases? Do you
have a budget? How will the costs of the home be paid? What about going out?
Who takes on that expense? Do you get a bonus at work? What will you do with
that money?
2. Sex
Yep. We HAVE to
talk about sex. Sex is an integral and healthy component of a relationship.
It's the barometer of the relationship. Dig into the subject by asking these
questions: Did you talk about sex in your household growing up? Was it taboo?
Does religion play a part in your sexual life? What does sex mean to you? How
often do you like to have sex? Do you have expectations about sex? Do you both
feel comfortable and safe talking about your needs with each other? Why or why
not?
It's also good to ask
your partner how they feel when you talk about your sexual needs. Is he or she
offended? Does he or she feel threatened?
3. Extended family
What are the
differences in your family of origin? Do your families get along? How
significant are the differences? How similar are they? For example, do you come
from a family of yellers? Was it hard to express yourself? Did people talk over
you? (This often goes to communication styles.) When it comes to family
traditions, do you have any? Will there be a conflict between the
traditions—especially around holiday time?
4. Values
Do you have similar or
different values in regards to honesty, integrity, family, work, religion, and
lifestyle? Are you on the same page? If there are differences,
assess how difficult they are to resolve and if there's room for compromise.
5. Lifestyle
What are the
similarities versus the differences your in lifestyle? Are you active
while your partner is a couch potato? Discuss how your view your downtime.
When it comes to your
use of social media, what are the boundaries? Talk about how you like to spend
your time away from work and what your expectations for alone time are.
6. Communication styles
John Gottman, Ph.D.,
founder of the Gottman institute for marriage, believes that the tendency
of men to withdraw and women to pursue is wired into our physiology and
reflects a basic gender difference. He notes that this pattern is extremely
common and is a major contributor to marital breakdown.
Plus, problems with
communication are the number one complaint expressed by the couples I see.
To avoid issues down
the line, talk to your partner about whether you're a distancer or a pursuer.
Do you lean in towards conflict (this is not about being confrontative—big
difference) or go running for the hills and avoid conflict.
7. Work/life balance
Use these prompts to
find out if your views on work and home life are in line: How important is your
work to you? Are you able to balance both work and home demands? How do you do
it? Do you worry that once married, this will change? Does your partner understand/support
your work — especially if it's overly demanding on your time? Does that
worry you? Do you have your own friends and interests outside of the
relationship?
8. Children
Do you want children?
How many? What are your parenting styles? Are they similar? How will
you reconcile the differences in how you were raised and how you wish
to parent if this exists?
Do you plan to parent
how your parents raised you? What would having a family look like? Who will
stay home? Will you both need to work? What about time away from the children?
What are your thoughts
about how you will go about nurturing the relationship once children
arrive on the scene?
Are you ready to walk
down the aisle but still feel that you have unresolved issues? Do these
questions make you ponder your relationship and whether or not you are making
the right decision? Answering yes to any of those questions might indicate
that premarital counseling should be considered.
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